Texts From Last Night...

So I just discovered the website textsfromlastnight.com . I'm sure some of these are made up, but either way, they're hilarious.

Here are some of my favorites :)

(317): There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??

(480): I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning

(845): Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER

(413): Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.

(847): just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'

(814): It's always exciting to touch a new boob.

(917): Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.

(813): Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.

(970): last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!

(573): Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.

(361): Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??

(440): well look at the bright side
(440): maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"

(978): one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?

(407): me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.

(443): a queef is a wish your heart makes.

(512): New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.

(+31): I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.

(908): i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less

(253): I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself

(563): Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?

(651): News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.

(909): if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids

(619): you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
(716): do you not see the irony in that??

(480): so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.

(850): this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen

(719): Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.

(484): Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.

(917): yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.



This website is amazing. (The # before the text is the area code, in case you were wondering.)

Wow. My abs hurt from laughing so hard at some of them...woo. Off to bed now.

-Jen